I’ll Be Renting On My Own (Ayala Ave corner Buendia)

I never had problems with good byes. I know for a fact that everything is ephemeral, only ours for a time- that the smallest and biggest of things, that the farthest and closest of places we’ve been, that each time and space are simply for rent. Ours for a time, and for a time only.

At times though, most recently in fact, I simply forgot that whatever I have was simply borrowed- I forgot the concept of renting. For one, I invested much of myself to it, and it did, still does, hurt to lose your house you treated as your own, so suddenly.

For three years, I considered a house as my own home. It was me in fact. I considered it as myself.  It was Don. I never saw myself at that time to be a separate entity from the house. It was my home afterall. I discovered, accepted, and went through all the liabilities of owning my own house. It felt good afterall, to live in seemingly my own home.

At first, all the walls were clean, adorned with decors, soft cushions everywhere, crisp linens cover the bed, fresh florals each time, clean water everytime, more than a dream in fact. A newly built house was always expected to give the freshest of breaths afterall. It’s that feel of sheer pleasure everytime you wake up. It’s that breakfast you look forward to, that lunch you cannot miss, that dinner that simply made you complete. More than a house to shelter for a night, it was a home to comfort for years.

But a house, like most things, simply grow old and gets out of date. You get that dust on the walls, webs on the ceiling, mud on the patio, clogged drainage,  and that dirty, greasy kitchen sink. A house’s beauty, like a human’s, is ephemeral afterall.

But I try to clean my house each time. Diligently working on each clogged sink, patching the holes, wiping the dust, treating each possible disease that my home has. Repaint here and there to keep everything looking new.  It was my home afterall, it was myself. It was Don.

As I completely throw myself in to keep everything perfect, storms come and flood away everything, quakes come and shatter the chandeliers and fire burns everything to ash- not a thing survives. Everything is ephemeral afterall.

When all was lost, it was when I realized that I was just renting. And it hurt. That everything was for rent. That nothing was mine. The concept of owning simply did not exist, for anything and everthing that is outside of us simply was not ours.

Like a jagged little pill, I just had to take it in. And learn from it. And I simply, but painstakingly, have to move out and make a new house my home- but this time I’ll be renting, knowing that whatever storm, quake or fire may come, in the end, myself is the only one I can own.

My old home may someday be the new address of another, but without regret, I will surely keep all that I had inside that house. Looking forward and with a smile on each breath, I know I will land to a new house to make my home- keeping in mind to always rent, and never to own.

Ayala Avenue corner Malugay

Staring at the Columns from below, I see the height that most people want to achieve.

It’s a wonder how architects and engineers build something so tall. It’s a wonder how they get to plan, design, and construct such a gargantuan piece of iron and cement. It’s a wonder how something so enormous can come from small specks of cement. How do they bring all those steel way above the sky? How do they put it together, parcel by parcel? How do they make it so tall?

Staring at the Columns from below, I see the architects’ sleepless hours spent, the engineers’ swollen hands due to piles and piles of drafts, the sweat in the foremen’s shirt, and the drips of mud in the construction workers’ hands. I see the relentless pursuit of these men and women to create the gargantua.

I remember standing below a condominium that was nearing completion; I was with a friend at that time, and we were staring at the top of the building.

While most of us enjoy looking at the greens of the wild and the blue of the deep, my friend enjoys seeing the grey of buildings. Not much to look at if I may say. Not much to look at until I felt and discovered the greatness that he sees.

Staring at the Columns from below, I discovered the void in me.

I felt very uneasy today. I have been looking forward to my ‘life planning’ session with me, myself and I. I have been twitting myself out, and shouting my clamor for a meaningful day with myself. But there I was, sleeping on the couch the whole day.

It was not fun at all, knowing I only had today to do it. Halloween would be the next long weekend, then Christmas. Things are different now. As a student, I had much time alone, and now working did not permit me to do so.

Or was it I who did not permit myself to do such?

I have been having so much fun recently with so many people around, that a day came where a run for coffee with some friends made me realize that I have been becoming shallow. Talks of life, its joy, mishaps and its ubiquity showed how I lost almost all the water in me.

Hence, my so-called life-planning.